The Turning Point

Easter weekend 2022, at 36 weeks pregnant with my second baby, my world changed forever. 

My mum called to tell me my sister had taken her own life. 

My world collapsed.

Some moments define us. They draw a line between who we once were and who we become. This was one of those moments.

In the midst of navigating the grief, loss and complex family dynamics, I welcomed my second baby boy into the world. But instead of a calm and settle baby, our little boy arrived with a lightening spark, bringing unexpected challenges of colic, endless crying and sleepless nights, further testing my resilience. Looking back, I have no idea how I got through these long days, and longer nights. As I journeyed through this next iteration of motherhood, the background scene of my dad battling with blood cancer and progression of his disease continued. Only four short months after giving birth, my dad passed away. 

In six months, I had experienced the extremes of life and death from so many incredibly different angles. 

Facing off with life in this way, changes you. This is not the sweet whispers from the universe telling you to get your life in order, this is the Mack truck at full speed. Twice.

What on earth does someone do, when life gives this to you, so close together. I’d become so good at pretending and pleasing throughout my life. I’d worn so many masks for so many different people, and while my ability to pretend I was ok served me to a point, the level of my grief and sadness and the depth of the darkness became by greatest gift. I could no longer pretend I was ok. I could no longer hold it in. Life forced me to release so much of the pain and feelings I’d be holding onto and been completely unwilling to acknowledge. This moved me to explore new ways of being able to cope, process and move forward. I delved into spirituality, the quantum field, and energy, seeking answers and closure, understanding life and death, and what’s truly meant for us.

With this, and through the depth of it all, day by day, moment by moment I moved forward... We relocated our family to Queensland, chased the sunshine and barefoot lifestyle by the beach and started to rebuild. This would have been unimaginable before seeing the extremes of life and death. I’d never have wanted to upset the apple cart and choosing myself and my family in this way was so foreign, scary and unfamiliar. Yet it unleashed something deep in my being. 

I realised I’d never actually done anything that was just for me. I’d always seemed to be at the mercy of doing what I thought I should be doing based on other people. Instead of leaning out, I leaned in more….

To commemorate the first anniversary of my dad’s passing and the one-year mark since both my sister and dad left us, I followed my intuition and decided to climb a mountain, alone. To honour my journey to date, I decided to do it in darkness, with the goal of reaching the top for sunrise. I woke at 4am and drove to a mountain I had never climbed, scared, excited and energised I began climbing. Step by step, I rose above the darkness and reached the summit just in time to witness the sun rising above the ocean and mountains. Sitting at the top, I experienced how symbolic the climb had been, symbolizing my ability to navigate challenging times and emerge so much stronger and more radiant on the other side. As I sat in solitude and reflected on the past 18 months I truly experienced that… 

Yet for so long, I lived in fear, disconnected from my true self. I was trapped in a life that wasn’t authentic, afraid to break free from the expectations of others and the limiting beliefs I had created and held onto. I stayed in toxic relationships, unfulfilling jobs and neglected my own needs, believing my past defined me. Honouring my own strength and resilience in this way was liberating. I’d finally connected with my true life force energy and broken free from so many chains of the past. 

This was the turning point.